Sekilas pintas

Aku dan engkau sekadar pinjaman

untuk detik ini;

atas dasar belajar, mengajar dan diajar. 

Usahlah kita saling berbunuhan 

antara satu jiwa ke jiwa yang lain;

pelan-pelan sekeping hati ini dibisikkan lagi sekali kalimat; 

"let go, little by little."

May He grants us the 'right' person to share his/her love with us and when that day comes again - may we be prepared to receive it. 

I wrote the poem (?) above on June 27th, 12.04am. Kelakar. Semacam sudah tahu. 

24th June. You suggested that we'd give ourselves space from each other as things were pretty rough for you until you could no longer make this relationship a priority. 

The relationship feels one-sided at that point, since the month of June. It stings but I'm all in so that we could save this relationship by finding ourselves again. So that we can be a better version of ourselves and be able to love each other better, after this. We're all about finding a balance between individuality and togetherness. I was initially the avoidant and you inspired me to take the leap of faith as our relationship was actually worth fighting for. We're all about that healthy romantic relationship — it's us against the problem, not me vs. you. Or, at least I thought you were.  

You even reassured me that this clearly wasn't a breakup. I held onto it. As if my life was depending on it. From that day onwards, space turns into distance. Check-ins pretty much were one-sided. I was holding myself from over-texting you as I might be deemed as clingy, needy and insecure. I told myself, "all's good. I trust him enough." 

You were actually losing interest and everything feels like a chore to you, although you didn't say it out loud. You're only to find me when it's convenient for you eg. when you needed my help. Even so, I was always there. I'll even come running to you. Knowing you, you'd say "I didn't ask for all of this." My friend, that's what one would do to the person that they genuinely care for and love. 

When was the last time you genuinely and authentically thanked me, and appreciated me, as your person? Being a hopeless romantic, regardless of the red flags — I'm still giving you the benefit of doubt, trying to justify your actions because why - knowing you. I trust you. And maybe I'm overly critical about everything so let's take a chill pill and just enjoy the moment — the feeling of being loved by someone who can be trusted. 

5th July was the icing on the cake. "Sorry was busy today baru otw home." — 10.57 pm. Siap ended the conversation by saying you're not in the mood for continuing it. Koyak katanya. I didn't know at that time about the tiktok video. Only recently. There it was, on the lockscreen — 5th July, 10.34pm. A compilation of your romantic moments; holding hands, simping at one another at a boujee aesthetic bookstore slash cafe. I wonder how long has this been going on? As there are other proofs of you guys going out together, you love-bombed her (same modus operandi lmao) while I'm here questioning my own sanity & worried sick about your well-being. The best part is I know that you didn't go to the bookstore on 5th July. It was way before that. 

Aha, now it made sense. The constant rejection to do activities together; never initiating hanging out; not answering calls and ignored texts ("just because we get less time it doesn't mean we're not together. it means we're facing reality" - does this ring a bell?) — a complete 180 shift. Siap gaslight and invalidate my feelings until a point I thought I was clingy and toxic. Funnily enough, you without fail will send a random video or text every day just to lead me on. Bila di-reply, di-ignore seperti selalunya. Breadcrumbing to mask your guilt I assume? 

Am I petty for writing these down? Maybe.

I'm in my resentment phase as you chose to use and two-time me instead of addressing the big elephant in the room and working on it. You even have the fucking audacity to lie, straight in my face continuously. You don't hurt me with your goodbye tempoh hari. You don't even have the right to say goodbye. For that reason, I choose myself. 

Am I the best partner that anyone or even you could have? Maybe. 

But never once did I deny my shortcomings and flaws as a partner. I take this opportunity for me to grow, learn and be better. You? Not even sorry for what you did. Until today. Walaupun kantoi busuk. The biggest takeaway for me is to know when to stop dan berpada-pada.

Grow up and stop resorting to escapism as a coping mechanism. There are people out there who still care, love and accept you for who you are. People aren't disposable garbage unless the toxic ones lah. Stop tossing them away. Cherish them. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. Knowing you, you'd say "you don't know what shit I've been through." Maybe I don't but at least, I want to understand you better sedangkan was never given a chance. 

Would I be able to love again? Aha, stay tuned. Nevertheless, when that day arrives, I hope I'm prepared to receive and give my best again. With the right one of course. Or not. Ehe.