Sekilas pintas

Aku dan engkau sekadar pinjaman

untuk detik ini;

atas dasar belajar, mengajar dan diajar. 

Usahlah kita saling berbunuhan 

antara satu jiwa ke jiwa yang lain;

pelan-pelan sekeping hati ini dibisikkan lagi sekali kalimat; 

"let go, little by little."

May He grants us the 'right' person to share his/her love with us and when that day comes again - may we be prepared to receive it. 

I wrote the poem (?) above on June 27th, 12.04am. Kelakar. Semacam sudah tahu. 

24th June. You suggested that we'd give ourselves space from each other as things were pretty rough for you until you could no longer make this relationship a priority. 

The relationship feels one-sided at that point, since the month of June. It stings but I'm all in so that we could save this relationship by finding ourselves again. So that we can be a better version of ourselves and be able to love each other better, after this. We're all about finding a balance between individuality and togetherness. I was initially the avoidant and you inspired me to take the leap of faith as our relationship was actually worth fighting for. We're all about that healthy romantic relationship — it's us against the problem, not me vs. you. Or, at least I thought you were.  

You even reassured me that this clearly wasn't a breakup. I held onto it. As if my life was depending on it. From that day onwards, space turns into distance. Check-ins pretty much were one-sided. I was holding myself from over-texting you as I might be deemed as clingy, needy and insecure. I told myself, "all's good. I trust him enough." 

You were actually losing interest and everything feels like a chore to you, although you didn't say it out loud. You're only to find me when it's convenient for you eg. when you needed my help. Even so, I was always there. I'll even come running to you. Knowing you, you'd say "I didn't ask for all of this." My friend, that's what one would do to the person that they genuinely care for and love. 

When was the last time you genuinely and authentically thanked me, and appreciated me, as your person? Being a hopeless romantic, regardless of the red flags — I'm still giving you the benefit of doubt, trying to justify your actions because why - knowing you. I trust you. And maybe I'm overly critical about everything so let's take a chill pill and just enjoy the moment — the feeling of being loved by someone who can be trusted. 

5th July was the icing on the cake. "Sorry was busy today baru otw home." — 10.57 pm. Siap ended the conversation by saying you're not in the mood for continuing it. Koyak katanya. I didn't know at that time about the tiktok video. Only recently. There it was, on the lockscreen — 5th July, 10.34pm. A compilation of your romantic moments; holding hands, simping at one another at a boujee aesthetic bookstore slash cafe. I wonder how long has this been going on? As there are other proofs of you guys going out together, you love-bombed her (same modus operandi lmao) while I'm here questioning my own sanity & worried sick about your well-being. The best part is I know that you didn't go to the bookstore on 5th July. It was way before that. 

Aha, now it made sense. The constant rejection to do activities together; never initiating hanging out; not answering calls and ignored texts ("just because we get less time it doesn't mean we're not together. it means we're facing reality" - does this ring a bell?) — a complete 180 shift. Siap gaslight and invalidate my feelings until a point I thought I was clingy and toxic. Funnily enough, you without fail will send a random video or text every day just to lead me on. Bila di-reply, di-ignore seperti selalunya. Breadcrumbing to mask your guilt I assume? 

Am I petty for writing these down? Maybe.

I'm in my resentment phase as you chose to use and two-time me instead of addressing the big elephant in the room and working on it. You even have the fucking audacity to lie, straight in my face continuously. You don't hurt me with your goodbye tempoh hari. You don't even have the right to say goodbye. For that reason, I choose myself. 

Am I the best partner that anyone or even you could have? Maybe. 

But never once did I deny my shortcomings and flaws as a partner. I take this opportunity for me to grow, learn and be better. You? Not even sorry for what you did. Until today. Walaupun kantoi busuk. The biggest takeaway for me is to know when to stop dan berpada-pada.

Grow up and stop resorting to escapism as a coping mechanism. There are people out there who still care, love and accept you for who you are. People aren't disposable garbage unless the toxic ones lah. Stop tossing them away. Cherish them. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness. Knowing you, you'd say "you don't know what shit I've been through." Maybe I don't but at least, I want to understand you better sedangkan was never given a chance. 

Would I be able to love again? Aha, stay tuned. Nevertheless, when that day arrives, I hope I'm prepared to receive and give my best again. With the right one of course. Or not. Ehe. 

Jun & Ranum

Kalau diputarkan balik masa, aku kira sekitar tahun-tahun masih di bangku sekolah menengah lagi (masih tidak dapat pinpoint the exact year) buku bersaiz notebook A5 yang punya gambar seorang lelaki berkemeja putih polos, berjambang bersama anaknya yang memakai sehelai dress klasik - terus disambar olehku, secara impulsif. Rasanya di reruai Dubook Press, Pesta Buku Antarabangsa KL. Kerana pada masa itu, bagi tampak lain dari yang lain dan mahu menjejakkan kaki ke arena anak-anak indie itu, kita haruslah mengangkat karya-karya alternatif. Sophie Kinsella? Stephenie Meyer? J.K Rowling? Ah, itu semua karya karya mainstream lagi mengkhayalkan. Mana mungkin hidup begitu indah seperti dicanang-canangkan oleh mereka. Mind you, this was me years back - angsty teenager trying to look 'cool'. Kisah beberapa tahun yang lalu ini merupakan sebuah pertemuan pertama dengan watak yang bernama Junaidi, Ranum dan teman baik mereka, Saigon. 

****

2022 - Bercakap Dengan Jun kini hadir dengan dua bahagian. Bahagian 1 dan sambungannya Bahagian 2. Pada muka surat terakhir bahagian 1, satu macam perasaan tatkala bola mata tertumpu pada perkataan terakhir. "Peh, I didn't recall the feeling was like this years back." Saya kira, itulah manusia ya. Selain daripada umur meningkat, gaya pemikiran juga turut mengalami proses evolusi. I can only recall how frustrated at that time kerana jalan ceritanya yang tergantung sepi yang puncanya atas satu salah faham sahaja. Apa nasib Junaidi, si kambing hitam dan apa akan terjadi kepada si kecil Ranum? Kenapa, sedang apa dan dimana? 

Saat memasuki bahagian 2 pula, permulaan cerita yang slow dan steady. Terjawab persoalan utama sejak sekian lama - di mana keberadaan Junaidi dan Ranum selama ini. Terasa seperti Junaidi dan Ranum mendewasa seiringan dengan pembaca. Di sini terdetik pula persoalan jika segala kekalutan  tidak berlaku di bahagian 1, apakah Junaidi akan 'mengurung' Ranum selamanya di Cekur Manis? Walau mengetahui Ranum itu tinggi sifat ingat tahunya. Selepas itu dibawa pula meniti sehingga tiba di puncak. This is where I'd say Mat Gorn dan specialty nya. Level plot-twist tidak dibuat-dibuat - dijamin tersentak jantung buat beberapa milisaat. Di sini Mat Gorn mengingatkan kembali betapa kecilnya dunia ini. Penamatnya? Terjawab segala persoalan, watak-watak dalam BDJ juga telahpun mendapat pengakhiran yang sewajarnya - walaupun terasa sedikit 'rushing' towards the end. 

Pendek kata, Junaidi, Ranum, Saigon, Naurah dan Lily telah mengajar diri ini bahawa rasa sayang dan cinta pada sesorang itu boleh terbit pada bila-bila masa sahaja -- tanpa perlu ada alasan yang kukuh mahupun the right timing. Know know surprise! Rasa ini adalah kurnia dari yang Esa dan beruntunglah pada mereka yang Tuhan pinjamkan sebentar nikmat kecil ini. 

Update 12 Julai 2022:

Walau segelap mana penghujung terowong itu, masih ada yang menanti, masih ada yang mahu berkongsi segala macam perasaan, masih ada yang mahu menyambut tanganmu. Pinjaman dari yang atas dalam bentuk manusia, atau peliharaan comel berkaki empat atau tiada kaki. While worrying about the future, don't forget to savour every moment - be mindful, be present. 

A scenario

Everyday I woke up & made myself a cup of iced kopi o. That's the only way, as for now to 'trick' myself that hey, life isn't so bad right now. Kata kata orang, mulakan hari anda sebetulnya dengan secangkir kopi. Get your sh8 together dengan menghirup molekul molekul kafein ke dalam badan. That's the #1 step on how to live life. 

Kopi, sudah. Turn on the laptop, sudah. Klik sana klik sini - checking emails pun sudah. Highlight of the day. Meh nothing interesting. Let's move on to reading random articles on the Net.

Klik klak klik klak klik klak. 

3.58am. 

4 days straight of having extreme highs & lows. Going to bed is an extreme sport. Attempting to sleep can be super tiring. They said crying yourself to sleep helps but I'm the walking living proof that most of the days - it doesn't. On loop, on repeat. Just wanting it to stop.

When was the last time you had a fulfilling 2-way-super transparent conversation with your loved ones? When was the last time you talk & connect, for real? Instead of spamming one another with stickers/gifs without context. When was the last time you lend your ears mindfully? When was the last time you are being honest? To yourself and people around you? 

Rapid changes - hatinya itu sifatnya seperti sampan kecil di atas lautan yang besar. Persis permainan tarik tali, kadang bila tali ditarik, tersungkur ke tanah atau ditarik terlalu tegang - melecet tangannya. 

****

I can't do it on my own. You're the grounding that I need but I wasted it. I don't know how long this tiny heart of mine can last.

tolong

Oh Allah, I seek help from You; in my most helpless state. 

Help me from being drowned in sadness and endless worries. The future is filled with so many uncertainties and the thought of it takes away peace and everything seems so dark. 

Protect this heart of mine from pessimistic thoughts and negativity. Replace the anxiety in my heart with peace and reliance on You alone. Ya Allah, do strengthen my faith in You and Your plans - even if I cannot understand them right now. I know that my planning can be flawed and You, al-Alim, the all-knowing; Your planning is a chef's kiss, perfect. 

May my efforts be blessed with your barakah and allow me to find success in my attempts which You think best for me in both dunya and the world after. May you grant me breakthroughs in the stuck phases of my life. Ya Allah, with your endless mercy and might ease my troubles, and my ways and open up my doors. 

Help me, ya Mujeeb, ya Qaadir. I seek help from none, but You. 

inspired by duas found on @reflect_to_repent instagram account. 

berlatarkan langit biru yang sama

Setelah berpusing-pusing mencari jalan keluar entah seberapa lama - Tuhan perkenankan aku untuk melabuh sejenak di sebuah tanah rata kosong yang adanya kamu. Kelihatan kamu sedang siap-siap menabur benih kasih sayang di suatu sudut. Kamu seperti tidak sedar akan kehadiran aku pada ketika itu. 

Aku memulakan langkah, menghampiri sosok tubuh yang begitu asyik dalam dunianya. "Hi, I'm Amira."

sangkar

Dia tersentak tatkala melihat Andy Dufresne merangkak keluar daripada tembok Shawshank. Setelah bertahun-tahun lamanya, rencana si Andy itu membuahkan hasil. Andy punya pengharapan itu seperti api yang makin marak nyalaannya saban tahun tanpa gagal. 

Otaknya ligat memikirkan perihal harapan seorang manusia itu. Mengharap dan berharap itu selalunya mempunyai outcomes yang tidak enak. Ini kerana harapan dan ekspektasi itu adalah dua benda yang saling berkait walau berbeza makna. Tinggi harapannya, tinggi jugalah ekspektasinya dan makin intense emosinya. Itulah analogi yang sering dipakai oleh rata-rata manusia dan Dia tidak terkecuali. 

Dia membawa persoalan ini sehingga Dia melabuhkan kepalanya di sebuah bantal yang baru ditukarkan sarungnya. Bantal itu merupakan 'sacred place' bagi Dia. This is where the thinking/reflection/sesi kaunseling kendiri happens. Minyak apakah yang digunapakai oleh Andy ini sehingga dia tidak pernah berhenti mengharap?

Re: Apa khabar Tuhan?

 Ah, the need to please others. Insert the-feeling-is-strong-in-this-one meme.

Apa khabar, Tuhan?

IT JUST hit me while I was so busy looking for someone who would lend their ears and arms for me. Mereka kata berbicara perihal hidup seharian dengan Tuhan itu mendamaikan kerana Dialah maha mendengar dan sudi mendengar tanpa ada sebarang rasa 'judgemental'. Untuk aku secara personal nya, aku masih dengan mindset yang Tuhan itu ialah outlet untuk aku berdoa dan bermohon seusai mengucapkan salam at the end of solat - untuk berbicara soal hidup apatah lagi segala keserabutan, kesedihan atau kebahagiaan itu; janggal sekali perasaanya. I just love how AA's words touch our soul yet it still feels like we're reading secret conversation between AA and The Creator. She makes it so easy and natural. 

How do I do this? Do I need to say hello? *ketuk ketuk mic*

----

I'll be having my very first meeting with two of my SVs. Nervous -- checked. Excited -- checked. I was so used to living life in a separa solitude bubble; me, minding my own business most of the time, suck at keeping in touch with anyone. Ah, di manakah erti dan rasa sebenarnya dalam berinteraksi sesama manusia, ya? Well, untuk hari esok, I just hope I don't make a fool out of myself because this is one of those days yang I forgot what it really means to be human.

Ctrl+Z

My fav yoga pose would be the savasana/corpse pose. It is the final pose at the end of a yoga session where you just simply lay down on the floor and give in....breathe! It feels super good to actually pay attention to my surroundings, my own body and acknowledging my racing thoughts (and sometimes, the lepas-kelas-nak-breakfast-apa kind of thought.) I couldn't help but notice that I have still not letting go(d) of this one particular chapter in my life. This recurring thought never fails to make its appearance during savasana. As much as I want to stay in denial since this is my fav form of coping mechanism - this is unhealthy. 

There are so many things in my life that I wish to undo and redo all over again.

Let's start with falling in love with the wrong person and caring too much. 

Memori; yang baik juga yang buruk atau mana-mana manusia yang pernah berlabuh di stesen ini. They colored and shaped my life once but it had me wonder yang how my life would be if any of these never happened in the first place. Would things be the same or not? Ah, the never-ending 'what-if' questions.

God has already think things through kan? If He grants the ability for us to foresee the future, all hell breaks loose. Lmao, I know how paranoid am I over petty things like "Eh, dah lock kereta ke tadi?", "Eh, lampu dah tutup ke?" and the list is just endless. 

By writing this down,

I want to be free.

bukan kerna nila setitik rosak susu sebelenga.

I want to let go(d). 

because I'm loved. I am enough. 

24-7-365

"aku takut sepi, tapi yang lain tak berarti."

melepaskan itu h a r u s merelakan;

dalam merelakan p e r l u memaafkan.

buat mereka yang m e n y a k i t i;

dan jiwa yang d i s a k i t i.

mencari damai dengan diri sendiri mirip bermain layang layang; terus ditarik, tegang jadinya lalu putus. Terlalu dilepas, mana mungkin ia mampu terbang di langit?

It is a long, dreadful; never-ending battle. 

tentang rasa;

Panca-indera

the 5 basic senses of human; melihat, mendengar, merasa, menghidu & menyentuh. 

It's funny how the idea of 'rasa-rasa' could lead to something good or a major epic fail. As I was making a cup of my morning coffee, I accidentally put a good amount of sugar into it (read: I don't usually add sugar in my coffee cuz we like it s t r o n k). This is one of those days where I feel super lazy to make another batch of cold brew and opted for the basic recipe of 3 camca kecil Nescafe Gold, ((boiling)) water just enough to dissolve, and a decent amount of low-fat milk. Konon an attempt to recreate the strong coffee taste, just like the ones at SF. 

But, there's a catch;

The first sip of my hot brewed instant iced latte was a bit off. Strong taste, yep. Then, there's this weird aftertaste that lingers in the mouth. Hits you right in the face. However with cold brew, setiap sedutan itu seakan dakapan yang erat. Addictive. Let's just say that all the yummy (good stuff) aromatic oils in the coffee are being retained during the cold brew method while they tend to evaporate in the air when being subjected to high temperatures; leaving you with more rounded taste and satisfying aroma. 

It's simply a matter of preference, kan? Ada hari, we yearn for the warm fuzzy feeling after a good hug. Ada masa, you need something to wake you up and face the reality. 

Don't forget to start your day right with your fav cuppa joe. 

Inarticulate

It bothers me so much that I have a lot going on in my mind but I can't seem to find the correct way of saying it. 

Edited on 040820;

Or, when the words are finally out of the bag, they sound different. It's not what I expected it to be. Always. 

to be continued, or not

Tuhan kurniakan sesuatu yang manis juga pahit itu sebagai sebuah pinjaman. Semua yang manis itu mahu sahaja dipeluk erat agar tidak beransur pergi; mahu sahaja kekal sepertimana adanya. Bagi pinjaman yang dalam bentuk tidak enak pula, mahu saja dicepatkan prosesnya agar semesta cepat-cepat mengambilnya pergi dan menghilang selamanya. 

Fuck. It has been 5 freaking years.